Lifting the Stress of Gift Giving 

Family gatherings can be a moment that brings a lot of mixed feelings: there might be the joy of connecting with family, the tiredness of travelling as well as stress about gifts. And this last one comes in many flavours.

Imagine (or maybe you don't have to because it happened for you) that you are at a family gathering. It's your cousin's birthday: they are turning 33. You brought a candle made by a local artisan and your sibling gifts them a new console. Suddenly, you start questioning the gift you had carefully chosen. Thoughts might start racing in your mind...

All these thoughts can prevent you from appreciating the moment. Fortunately, NonViolent Communication offers tools to help us prepare for these moments and fully enjoy them. How? By having conversations before the gathering to discuss together the way gift giving will happen. Even though it can feel stressful to open this discussion, it will help you release the tension you already feel. This article is a guide to help you open and navigate these discussions. Please consider everything written below as an invitation and adapt as you need to.

Self awareness

NonViolent Communication starts within us. Therefore, the first thing I invite you to do is to check in with yourself:

• What are your observations? In the past, was there a situation where your gift was received and put away without a comment? Did you see that the gift you gave cost less / more than the one from others? 
• In turn, how did you feel about it? Were you disappointed by how the gift was received? Did you feel anxious to see that the gift you received was more expensive than the one you had offered?
• Deepening the reflection, what are some needs that were not met in the situation? Was it about...  care... appreciation... reciprocity... ease?

Getting more familiar with needs takes time and yet, they are the key to meaningful action. Being clear about the needs that are not met will give you a sense of direction when you have opened the discussion with others. 

Once you are clear on your needs, sit with them for a moment. Feel the sensation that thinking about those needs, as if they were completely fulfilled, brings. You may start to think about ways to meet those needs. Write them down and try to refrain from acting right away. It's natural to want to get into action mode and yet, before that, you will want to prepare some more.

Perspective taking

Some of the thoughts that we have when it comes to gift giving can be about others: "I can't believe they bought such an expensive gift when they know I don't have the same means." "What? They didn't bring a gift at all!" "Who does that?".

These thoughts will get in the way of staying grounded and constructive during the discussion. Taking a moment to process them ahead of time will help you get a different perspective. This part is not about excusing something that has happened but freeing you from the tension that these thoughts bring up in you by connecting with the humanity of the other person. 

The self-empathy done in the first part will support you in doing this second process, which is very similar: we will do the same steps from the perspective of the other person. Since we cannot read their minds, we will try to guess with an open heart:

• What could be their observations? Maybe they noticed this gift and thought it was such a great idea that they got it without thinking about the price. Or they didn't bring a gift because they couldn't find something that they really trust would be a good fit. 
• And how could they be feeling? We are guessing here, trying as best as we can and holding those guesses lightly: they might be feeling excited for the receiver to open the gift and see how thoughtful it is for the person receiving it. Or they are confident that there will be a shared understanding that no gift is better than a gift that isn't great?
• Continuing with needs that they met with their actions: how about...  love... care... understanding... excellence...?

If you feel resistance while doing this process, like thinking "Yes but...", circle back to the first part: you probably need more self-empathy.

Now pause for a moment as you embrace the needs that you found for both: your needs and theirs. Think about how, as human beings, you both have those needs, that you may meet in different ways. Imagine how it would feel for you to have all those needs met.

Does it give you a new perspective? Did you learn something about yourself, or them, in the process? Maybe some new ideas are coming up?

Connecting

Now that you have more clarity about your needs and the ones that others may have, you can open a conversation. The clarity that you gathered in the previous steps will help you find words that will connect you with others rather than propagating the tension that you were feeling. 

Once you feel prepared to have this conversation, make sure your intention is clear: am I trying to have a dialogue with everyone involved and create a solution collaboratively or do I have an ask? 

In the second option, if you want to make a request, make sure it's not a demand and that you are ready to hear a no while maintaining open discussion with the ones who disagree. It could sound like "Can we agree together to keep our gifts under a certain amount of money in the future?".

If you feel like you want to enter a dialogue, share with everyone your intention. It doesn't have to be complicated. Opening the conversation can sound like:

"Before the next family gathering, I’d love for us to talk about how we do gifts, so we can find something that works for everyone."

Discussing these topics and finding an agreement takes time so make sure you give yourself plenty of time ahead.

It is probably unusual for your relatives to have this kind of conversation so you want to share as clearly as possible the fact that it's an invitation to a collaborative discussion, and not an intervention. It's about finding a way of doing things that works for everyone rather than demanding, about being open to talk about things that don't work rather than blaming each other.

The conversation can take many shapes: maybe it's one-on-one conversations followed by a recap for everyone, maybe it's a thread of emails, maybe it's a video conference call, maybe it's a group chat (although this last one is the most complicated).

Whatever the form you decide to go with, you want to make sure everyone is heard, even the voices that are usually more silent, so that all the needs are gathered. Be sure to look for the needs behind the ideas that are shared to not let everyone be caught up in their thoughts and judgements.

In the end, how you prepare for the discussion is the most important part: holding space for everyone isn't a small task so you want to find ways to stay grounded. 

Getting support

Working on those topics can feel overwhelming, especially when it's about people that matter to you. And doing it on your own is even harder and can feel lonely. If you have an someone you trust who can listen without advising, they can walk you through those steps.

If you don't, coaching can help by offering a supported space where you can express your thoughts and dive deeper to get to the needs through empathy. We can also work on preparing the conversation, finding words that feel appropriate for your situation and practice them. Even one session can get you on your way.

Don't hesitate to get in touch or book a coaching session to get clarity and support. You can also work it out in a group session. Check out the Events page to know when the next one happens.